i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
