how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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