Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
