capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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