So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
