lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
