Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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