actually, I'm a sock model
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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