turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
