so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Randomize
