mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
