Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
