Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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