totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
