Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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