And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize