I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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