no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize