he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
