I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize