i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
