I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
