That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize