I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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