I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize