Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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