These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
