after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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