I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
