I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
