I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
