Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
