I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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