you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
