i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
