Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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