I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
