i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
