when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
