Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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