a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
