why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
