your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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