Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
