My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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