Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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