Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
