I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
