i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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