HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
