remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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