I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
