I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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