and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
