I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
