my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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